Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Jan du Jour

(reprinted from last year around this time)

A photographic walk down memory lane with Jan Tanner. 

I gotta hand her this:  at 54, she's gotten progressively better looking, though I'm not sure I want to know the reasons for this; it could very well involve body-snatching, shape-shifting, or ointments made from who-knows-what. 

But her clothing choices are fashion disasters time and time again.  Only twice have I considered her outfits tasteful; even then, she had to go and eff up her good thing by picking her nose or showing off way too much cleavage.  Perhaps one day Jan will learn that what's hot on Planet Vomitblaus is not down here on Planet Earth.

In spite of her absolute absence of fashion sense, it'd be really easy for me to always cast her in a flattering light...if only she had come clean about the details of her most fortuitous special appointment to the District's Board of Directors as its treasurer back in the 2004 days of Chaos, and her 10-year, no-bid, million dollar pizza contract with School District 11; or alternatively, if she'd simply given me, as I'd requested, the very reasonable 10% cut of the $160,000 I discovered she made off of the District during the 2008-2009 school year -- I mean, we're talking $16,000 people: that's *chump* change to Jan, who is richer than any of us can even imagine.

What we have here is a failure to communicate...and to our dual misfortune, on top of being selectively color-blind and stubborn, Jan is stingy and cheap -- traits I find particularly distasteful in the uber-rich.  She's like a demanding customer who then tips the waitress or pizza delivery person $1 -- decidedly uncool. 

I read in this week's Independent that Larry Liston has raised $30,955 to Jan's $5,735, even garnering a sizeable share of GLBT monies -- those traitors.  We can only hope Liston will win with ease -- but don't count Jan out; she could always buy a last-minute election upset simply by cashing in three hundred of her most virile black slaves.

My son came home from college for a quick visit this weekend; when he saw what I was working on, he said in his best falsetto, "stalker..." causing us both to laugh.  But then again, I have dreamt of her -- three times --none of them sexual, but WAY GAY NONETHELESS; I mean, in contrast, I've never dreamt of Alejandro...or 98% of my other boyfriends.

What can I say; she is the cure to my writer's block, the silver lining of my cloudy day...the fly who so kindly stepped into my parlor for a visit; whenever I need cheering and tell myself to look at the bright side of things, I usually end up looking at one of her blouses.  Simply put, Jan is my inspiration -- here's lookin' at you, sweetheart.

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