Egg on face

Hmmm...a friend fretted recently that my last post might have come across a bit racist.

Oh so!  Hoho!

In response to the Gazette story about the liquor store caught embellishing his importance in the wake of his shooting of a shoplifter:

Here's a true story that happened to me not two weeks ago:

After a $30 DollarTree extgravaganza with & for my kids, we walked past Audubon Liquors. A wild hair sprouted: teetotaler me thought to buy a bottle of wine, picking an $11.99 Merlot before chosing the $7.99 instead; I paid, we left and trudged homeward.

"Hi! Hi! Hi!" I heard behind me and turned to see the dour-faced Asian woman who, with her husband, owns the store; I stopped, wondering if I'd left my purchase on the counter.

"I searcha you bags," she stammered in broken English; I saw red, but thought of my young kids and held my tongue, so that Mrs. Swan could search slowly and to her satisfaction.

"Solly," she said, shaking her head and walking away.

I said, "It's all good...*BUT* (stepping to her & holding her gaze): you *never* greet me when I enter your store; and seeing how you've wrongly accused me of theft just now, I'm asking you to say 'Hello" if and when I bring you my business again. 

She looked at me hard, then said; "OK, I will."

So, I prayed that this woman might have an epiphany and realize...maybe not all black people are thieves; indeed, *most* people do *not* steal, nevermind race. 

Well, it was maybe four days later when I needed to buy Squirt, which I love but 7-11 no longer carries, so I buy at the liquor store.  A short debate with the husband on whether we should or shouldn't, then we were in, our teenage daughter in tow.

She checked out a customer, and as he walked out the door, called out cheerily, "Thank you!"

Our eyes met. "Hi," I ventured, friendly.  No response.

Our turn at the register; "Hi," I said again uncertainly.

She rang up the sale and wordlessly handed my husband his change before saying in a loud voice, "MEM!  MEM! YOU STOLE BOTTLE WINE SATURDAY! I HAB DE EBBIDEN...I CAWING POWEECE!"

Sucker-punched, I rolled my eyes; "Forget this," I said breezily and we all left the store.

As we approached our place, my husband turned to see the woman had locked the store doors in order to pursue us, cell phone clenched in hand, with 911 on the line. 

Livid, I spun around, stepping to her quickly. 

"Let's go!" I fairly shouted, enraged, "Call the police, you silly bitch, I'll gladly wait 'til they come; show me your bullshit evidence!"  And I marched to the liquor store.

An Asian soap opera played on the television.  "I CAN'T BELIEVE I PRAYED FOR YOU!!!  Turn off your show and cough up your evidence!" 

She regarded me mutely, listening to the 911 operator.  "YES MEM, SHESA BRACK, WO-MAN..." 

I checked the nearly uncontrollable urge to go off on the idiot standing before me; every Asian racist slur rose up to my lips, but I refused to give them voice...refused to provide her with damning evidence of me getting black on her ass and deserving of whatever bullshit she might claim I provoked. 

So instead, I threw Scripture at her:  "GOD HATES A FALSE WITNESS!"

I could not resist busting on her broken Engrish, however...demanding she show me her evidence while on hold with 911, asking "does your lack of English fluency preclude you from multi-tasking?" 

She looked at me blankly, and said, "YOU THINK SO, HUH?"

Long story short, it was an hour before officers arrived, my husband and daughter were there with me, but that was no assurance I wouldn't go to jail...and I guess I really could have; because when the cop talked to the store owner, she showed him the tape; I never got to see the tape at all, and the officer told me I wouldn't be allowed to see it until and unless it was provided as evidence at my trial on a shoplifting charge.

"Frankly, Ma'am, I've seen the tape, and it does appear that you stole a bottle of wine; you pick up a bottle of wine, you never replaced that bottle, you purchased a different bottle of wine and the $12 bottle is still missing.  The owner has indicated she's willing to drop charges if you'll just pay for the bottle of wine you stole."

"I WILL BE DAMNED FIRST, SIR." I said, and proceeded to explain that I'd put the $12 Merlot in the spot where I'd found the one for $7.99.

A brief investigation verified my claim...the bottle was still where I'd set it.

My bad for putting the bottle back on the wrong shelf!

How do you think that wench responded?  A gracious apology?  No; hell no."

The cop came back and said, "Well, the owner has agreed not to press charges...but neither of you are welcome in her establishment."

The ugly truth here, folks:  had she been able to quickly access her firearm, there's no doubt in my mind she'd have pointed it at me to hold me until the law arrived...and if it meant she had to shoot me while we waited, then so be it; I stole a $12 bottle of wine, after all...RIGHT!??

Just imagine if she thought I stole a bottle of hard liquor!!!

Some folks are just blind to their own bigotry and trigger finger itch...but it always comes out in the wash in the end...scratching at themselves...giving their secret away.

I CALL BULLSHIT ON CHANG HO YI

SAVING FACE -- YOU THINK SO, HUH?

NO, THAT EGG ONNA YOU FACE!!!

BET YOU MAKE-BELIEVE GLORY STORY BRING YOU SHAME NOW!

This ain't no anicient Chinese secret, friends...and though the Gazette story doesn't mention the races of Mr. Yi's alleged robbers, I'm willing to bet dinner and a bottle of Merlot that the perps WOOKA WIKE A BRACK MAN!