Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Fun under the sun

It's been a while since I waxed thoughtful about my D11 girlfriend Jan Tanner...
but that sure doesn't mean I just stopped thinking about her
She's another one who's well aware of the forced adoptions going on
tearing families apart limb by limb each day in El Paso County
I seriously doubt she give gives a damn, tho --
and since my kids are two who have been so wrongfully wrangled
and it's so hot out that I grow annoyed
I'm gonna re-run some tasty Tanner-ish tidbits from way back when
starting with this one, originally posted July 2010


Hey: if a tree falls in the woods, and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I’d say, “yes.”

But there are some who simply aren’t so sure.

Take, for example, today’s total solar eclipse. The only humans to witness this event were castaways, Easter Islanders, well-funded scientists, and/or well-heeled sun-worshippers.

So, just in case Judy Noyes is out of town today, you know where to look for her. Hopefully, she’s booked a yacht back to the mainland; otherwise, she might have to lash together a raft made out of grass-skirted natives. Ah, well…whatever floats your boat, I suppose.

The primary audience for this not-so-common-but-far-from-rare solar event will be a bunch of fish and squid in the Pacific Ocean…and I gotta wonder: will they flip about frantically, fearful that some long-fingered villain has poked their all-seeing god in his eye? You'd think he’d have seen it coming -- damn that over-the-shoulder blind spot!

Or perhaps the fish and squid believe that their god’s holy eyelid got stuck...and they’ll all spawn furiously, certain that a whole lotta hot, cold-blooded sex will provide just the right lubricant to unloosen that lid...a new slant on the old expression, “Here’s mud in your eye.”

Gee, those squid sure can get frisky.  As I understand it, they're so driven, five or ten male squid may attempt to mount a single female squid at once (hmmm, shades of Isis)...and those males unable to mount an unoccupied female squid are known to mount each other.  Oh whadda night.

And if it seems like the squidsex goes on for like WAY TOO LONG, just imagine what that female squid's thinking.  Consider this also -- that video is about how long the eclipse lasted -- talk about anti-climactic.

Then again, the Underwater Oracle of the Amphibious Elite may have revealed that their god is angry...and that only one thing will cause the sun to shine again: mass amphibian sacrifice.

Such advance knowledge may have led their leaders to fraudulently collect 50 million clams from the schools of fish…enabling them to orchestrate an elaborate ceremony of frantic, flipping, fatal fish sex on the beach, followed by a fancy sky burial.

Certainly, the aroma of all that rotting fish flesh will reach their god's nostrils and placate him; after all, the sun’s still shining in Florida.

How can I be so sure?  Well, I just am.  But then, who am I?  Just a little nobody black spider.  

So, if you don’t believe me, ask someone more trustworthy...such as one of the many faces of Colorado House District 16 hopeful Jan Jorgensen Tanner, and/or her brother-in-law and fellow dough-inflator, H. Mark Tanner.

Jan’s probably relaxing at Mark's modest Gulf of Mexico beach cabana right now, after a long day of scuba diving with her expensive under-water camera, photographing all of those grease-laden fish and squid going belly up.

From what I understand, that Gulf of Mexico oil’s plenty sticky – you can’t just rinse it off – so Jan might need help from Mark's live-in staff before she’s ready for dinner…a sumptuous meal of filleted sunfish and swordfish...followed by a cool dip in the crystal-clean water of Tanner’s backyard pool…and a nightcap of progressive liberal drinking and snake handling before sleepily stumbling off to bed.

Ah, the antebellum life.

Most likely tho, the fish and the squid looked at things about the same way as the rest of us poor schmucks who weren't able to get a glimpse of the total solar eclipse -- as sort of a non-event.

I could be wrong, however....so, if Judy or Jan suddenly show up looking tanned, slightly greasy, and smelling of fish...well, you’ll know why...and be sure to thank them -- ‘cuz the sun’s still shining here in Colorado.

Let me be the first:  Thank you, ladies.

- - - - - - - - fin - - - - - - - -

Hope you enjoyed this i-don't-believe-in-your-god BASH, ala Rich Tosches; even though I didn't get paid for it -- like he does -- I found it amusing and gratifying, nonetheless.

Sorry about all of the repeat "Spydra just published a new rant" messages -- it's all Jan's fault...it always is.  No, really, Blogger just bites when it comes to letting you see what things will look like once they're published...and I ended up having to start all over; small price to pay for *perfection*...and it gives me more time to ruminate about Jan.

November's still quite a ways off...and the spider oracle forecast calls for plenty of sun to shine on Mom's Evil District #11 Girlfriend between now and then...although I guess in Jan's world, that means cloudy with a good chance of rain.

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